::Reflections::

My God came to look for me when I was most depressed in life, with broken dreams, disappointments, unstable emotions, and hopelessness. Just then, He came. My life was never the same since. August 22nd 2004, almost 3 years since that night I prayed the sinner's prayer. Reflecting back at my life every so often, I can't help but wonder how I will end up if He didn't reach out to me. I'll most probably still be an angry person living in my own world, reluctant to meet my old friends as I'll feel so small around them when compared to. And also an anti-social figure, full of self-pity, etc.

I know that He has a good plan for me. One so good that I can't come out with by my own, because I dare not dream. It's so pathetic when one does not have a future to look forward to. That was my history. Chapters flipped. Seasons renewed. My Heavenly Father cares for me, so much so that He gave me His son to die for me so that I can have a great future, with hopes and dreams.

I realised that as the years passed, I had taken Jesus' sacrifice so lightly, even for granted. My heart hardens towards God, by failures to receive what I prayed for (from my own selfish desires). I treated God like Santa, demanding Him to deliver my requests ASAP. I've always been impatient because I hate waiting. I don't want to be left behind in life, to see that i'm not advancing. It's a tiring and torturing process. So full of self that I left no space for God to work in my heart. Then, the devil started to trick me with his all time favourite game of lying and deception. And I fell for his trap. Hence, I no longer could see God's image as clearly as I used to when I was a just a baby Christian. I want to change, I need to change. For I can't bear with this me any longer.

I want to see my relationship with God improve for the better and closer. Not out of guilt b'cos I disobeyed Him, but embracing the fact that He loves me too much to want to discipline me, to shape me, and to rebuke me when I'm wrong. He only disciplines those He loves. Pride has gotten the better of me for quite sometime. It's awful how a soul can be corroded bit by bit to the bones and even turn ignorant towards God when He speaks. It must have been painful for Him to receive such 'courtesy' from his daughter.

A tender voice is whispering my name to go back. Calling me to the foot of the Cross. This time, I will make sure I'll reach there, not looking to the left or to the right but with my eyes fixed onto the Cross. I cannot afford to stray anymore.