::My mum::

Just called my mum. Didn't get to chat long with her as there seemed to be a problem with the lines or something. Got disconnected for 7 to 8 times in barely 15 minutes. Hung up and decided to call next time. Just before that, we had our normal chats about what's happening in our daily lives. How things are for my sis and me. The usual family talk.

Just then, she told me she felt lonely. With 2 younger sisters in school, me and elder sis here in Singapore, papa working in Brunei. She's home alone most of the time. Poor mum. My mum is truly a woman of character. A typical Chinese parent, who imparts her love for her kids with actions rather than words. Us girls very much inherited her personality of quietness. Like mother like daughters.

There were days in the past whereby I had broke her heart to pieces. Days I seeked for recognitions and assurance from friends and family. My way of making her mad and getting her attention has always been the same (not a creative person), i.e. to wage my "cold war"(but it always worked). Some friends might not believe me, I might look "soft" on the outside, but I'm a rather hot-tempered person. Very easily offended by words spoken especially those by my mum b'cos she knows me best. She always hit the bull's eye when rebuking me. It hurts.

I'm grateful that God has changed me. I've been learning how to say "I love you" to my loved ones at home. It's a weird feeling. It's so much easier to utter those words to friends rather than family. Man, I'm learning how to. It's the ego bah, that's stopping me.

It just feels weird. I hope to come back with a post celebrating my victory in overcoming my pride soon in near future; when I'm able to say those words to my ma and pa face-to-face. FYI, they are coming over in mid-august! Woohoo~

::Reflections::

My God came to look for me when I was most depressed in life, with broken dreams, disappointments, unstable emotions, and hopelessness. Just then, He came. My life was never the same since. August 22nd 2004, almost 3 years since that night I prayed the sinner's prayer. Reflecting back at my life every so often, I can't help but wonder how I will end up if He didn't reach out to me. I'll most probably still be an angry person living in my own world, reluctant to meet my old friends as I'll feel so small around them when compared to. And also an anti-social figure, full of self-pity, etc.

I know that He has a good plan for me. One so good that I can't come out with by my own, because I dare not dream. It's so pathetic when one does not have a future to look forward to. That was my history. Chapters flipped. Seasons renewed. My Heavenly Father cares for me, so much so that He gave me His son to die for me so that I can have a great future, with hopes and dreams.

I realised that as the years passed, I had taken Jesus' sacrifice so lightly, even for granted. My heart hardens towards God, by failures to receive what I prayed for (from my own selfish desires). I treated God like Santa, demanding Him to deliver my requests ASAP. I've always been impatient because I hate waiting. I don't want to be left behind in life, to see that i'm not advancing. It's a tiring and torturing process. So full of self that I left no space for God to work in my heart. Then, the devil started to trick me with his all time favourite game of lying and deception. And I fell for his trap. Hence, I no longer could see God's image as clearly as I used to when I was a just a baby Christian. I want to change, I need to change. For I can't bear with this me any longer.

I want to see my relationship with God improve for the better and closer. Not out of guilt b'cos I disobeyed Him, but embracing the fact that He loves me too much to want to discipline me, to shape me, and to rebuke me when I'm wrong. He only disciplines those He loves. Pride has gotten the better of me for quite sometime. It's awful how a soul can be corroded bit by bit to the bones and even turn ignorant towards God when He speaks. It must have been painful for Him to receive such 'courtesy' from his daughter.

A tender voice is whispering my name to go back. Calling me to the foot of the Cross. This time, I will make sure I'll reach there, not looking to the left or to the right but with my eyes fixed onto the Cross. I cannot afford to stray anymore.

::My Bloody Nose::

This is funny. I was checking for "nose block" in Wikipedia just minutes ago to find out why my nose block lasted for days. Then, I searched for "nose bleed" intending to gain some general knowledge about it. The moment Wiki shows the page with detailed descriptions about nose bleeding, my right nose started to bleed!!! Drama drama!!! It's so scary, I've never had this sort of encounter in my life. What's the probability of such occurence? I wonder. Two tissue papers soaked in blood (^o^). As I was waiting for the blood to clot while reading Wiki for causes of nosebleed, it's such a comfort to find out that mine is just a minor case. Phew~Praise God. My last nose bleed happened probably about 12 or 13 years ago, primary 3 (ate too much Thai durians). Was a bit caught off-guard.

"The flow of blood normally stops when the blood clots, which may be encouraged by direct pressure and reducing the blood pressure in the head by sitting upright with the head tilted forward for about 10 minutes. Tilting the head back is not advised, as it can lead to blood flowing into the respiratory system, and possibly resulting in vomiting or death."-excerpted from Wikipedia. It's important to know this, because my dear mum used to ask us sisters to tilt our heads back whenever we had nosebleed. I learnt that her way of treatment was wrong in Primary 4. Form teacher said to a classmate with nosebleed: tilt your head forward!! Memories~

Timely comfort led by the Holy Spirit? Sure yes if you ask me. Coincidence you suggest? I'll reckon that you do some maths calculation with probability to find out how often things like this happen. How creative God can be in doing things, I'm amused.

Nosebleed stopped completely by now. Praise God!