So He Speaks Again

He speaks, like no other. Always hitting the bull's eye and yet with a tenderness that makes you cry. All you can do is nod in agreement; words of excuse are exhausted and no where to be found. All I can think of is: You know the deepest secrets of my heart. Those I did not share with a single soul. You knew, all along.

Echoing what Angeline wrote, it's a feeling that makes you speechless, in awe and couldn't stop smiling. Mind you, we are perfectly sane and checked! :) Just that we can't help it when we keep smiling.

He spoke through Steve A'Herne last Saturday night. When I felt physically worn-out after biking in the morning till 2pm, tripped and fell over injuring several parts of my body, with unproperly treated wounds, aching muscles, hungry stomach, sweat smelling body and mud covered legs accompanied by light drizzle plus a phone call from my manager telling me what I've missed out and should have done in my work. Man, I can tell you these can totally contribute to the points to compose a 'My Most Unluckiest Day' essay, like those we used to write in school back then. What more, we were late for service.

When Steve prompted the congregation to response in the altar call, Angie and I remain seated. But we wanted to be prayed for. So we waited. We were like primary school kids with our back pack in hands and following after Steve as he was walking towards the exit. God is so good. He wants to speak to us as much as we want to hear from Him, or even more so I reckon.

If you are feeling at this very moment that the prayers you whispered or uttered had been hitting the celling and bounced back to you, take heart. He hears and He knows even without you saying them. I suspect He likes to ochestrate the 'perfect' situation to answer our heart's deepest concerns. I am a person who can easily take things and people around me for granted. In that way, I will remember and be thankful. Remember His goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and love for me. The kind of love no human being possesses.

Christianity might be categorised as one of the 'religions' in the world. But it's all about relationships, of loving God and loving those He loves (yes, that's you if you are wondering). Please don't be freaked out thinking that it's all about rituals, if you are having that perception, you don't know how much you are missing out in life.

He loves you more than your finite mind can imagine. If you do not believe me, why not you test Him for yourself? See if you dare...

Everything In Its Time

A song by Corrinne May

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crytal balls
To find an answer
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

Of Letting Go

Last Wednesday, in the midst of work I got Angeline's short text like: Are you free tonight? I replied saying I have nothing in particular to do, so, yes. She told me God let her won 2 free tickets! In the back of my mind, I knew what's coming. Ceng ceng ceng...free movie treat!!! =) We watched 'I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry'. We enjoyed ourselves very much. We got 50% of the cinema all to ourselves (there were only 4 ppl)!

Since knowing Wini, we have learnt from her that it's always good to process while and after watching a movie. Sometimes I'll forget to do that and it happened to us then. On our way out of the cinema, Angeline went: Oh, I forgot to process! Heh. Me too.

After so many days, the very one thing that's on top of my mind ever since I left the cinema was a scene in the movie where Larry took out his late wife's clothes from the wardrobe, kissing and putting them away in tears. In the movie, Larry's wife passed away for 3 years but there seemed to be no changes to her stuffs, Larry still keeps her clothes and all, where they were.

What's wrong with that? You may ask. Personally, I find the message hitting home. So much so that I see Larry in me. Unable to let go. Sometimes while having some random thoughts running through my mind, I tend to have the tendency to dwell, reminiscing over and over again in my mind's eye as if I could see myself right where I was back in time and space. Exactly as to what I would not share here b'cos it's too private.

I remember an illustration Max Lucado used in one of his books saying that whether you realise it or not, we all are carrying a sack. Day in and day out. Sometimes without us even realising it. It's the sack full of rocks, stones, and boulders. Each representing our worries, burdens, anxieties...Same goes in this scenario, just that the content now represents that of our memories, both good and unpleasant ones.

I've loaded my sack pretty much. I get a bit breathless carrying them sometimes. I forgot that I can give them all to one person. On and on I added to my sack. It's time for me to seek refuge and do the unloading. God, thank you for awakening me.

It's good to have memories, even more so if it's a good one. But if it only crippled my growth spiritually, it's less than healthy to continue holding unto them. So, I want to let go. Because with God, truly, the best is yet to come.

My family was here

Yes, my parents and sisters came over to visit us for 10days. Back in end August. I procrastinated for quite a bit eh. Haha.

Saying goes that a picture tells a thousand words. So I picked out a few from the lot and uploaded them. It's taking FOREVER to upload. In between, I walked around in my room, to the kitchen, sms-ing friends, and drank soup while waiting for them to be uploaded. Patience really is a virtue!

The pictures are suppose to be in sequential order. But I just realised that the 1st pic I uploaded ended up being at the bottom most. Guess that's fine. :) More posts are on the way. I need to rest. This is taking very long. I need a break :p

Sun setting

I was discreetly trying to snap his photo. His parents were near him, so I pretended as if I was shooting sth else. Cute boy playing and getting wet.

A man had a dream that he was walking on the beach. There were 2 sets of footprints...

Searching for food I guess

Sentosa's Siloso Beach. Very small. The sand are artificial ones, can't walk bare-footed, will be painful. I miss beaches in KK Jessica used to drive us to after our a-levels...

Youngest sis. A poser & chatter-box. Her name is Chai Phin.

She reminds me of me. A lot in the sense of personalities. But she is more outspoken.

I fought with her a lot when we were both younger. In anger, I poked her with a mechanical pencil and she bled! Yes. That was in the past. A vivid account up till today.

She's 2cm TALLER than me now!!! Grr...

#3 in the family. She's Chai Sia. An artist & only lefty in our family.

Very very quiet. She did my art homework back in Brunei. Oops~

My mum. I made her wear that. Very co-operative :p

Looks darker now ever since moving to M'sia. UV rays very kuat there.

She was very fair few yrs back!

My Papa, very 'cool'. Hehe..he doesn't smile much infront of camera

His signatures = black moustache & eyebrows ^^ was n still is handsome :)

He looks fierce but is not in real life. Don't be deceived by his look~

My older sis. I repeat, she's the eldest, not me bah :p
She claimed that I can read her mind, don't play play eh

My personal favourite. Like a mini volcanic eruption before ur eyes aye?

(Geog was my fav subject, esp plate tectonics ^^)

'Songs of the Sea' performance @ Sentosa, was good but too short

Random flowers by the sidewalk, thought they were beautiful

My Pa & Ma =)

My 2 younger sis, resemblence? (students in M'sia has darker shades) :)

At Sentosa. Having a rest & some food after walking around

Dinner at Sushi Tei in Vivo City

My Blog Drought

It's been almost 2 whole months since I last posted. Not much of a blogger myself, isn't it? Here comes my promised update :) sorry for the long drought here, I know blogs are supposed to be updated consistently...let's wait no more and here comes my post(s)~~read on...

::100K Blessings::

My new update after one month of abandonment. Heaps happened in the gap of time. I'll tell u all about it in short. Our senior pastor caught the vision of reaching out to 100,000 people in Singapore earlier in the year. The time is ripe to launch the campaign in July. In conjunction with Singapore's national day, volunteers of 5000 believers in church signed-up to be part of the campaign. Each is to bless 20 people, in aspects of family, friends, classmates/uni-mates, colleagues and even strangers in the streets! Our objective is to offer prayers - heartfelt needs in their hearts.

I was involved in the NUS blessings and later, strangers in shopping mall. God's awesome timing as the freshmen are flying over to prepare for their first sem in uni. NUS b'cos (1), age group = can click! And (2), which is my very personal reason to want to check out on how the life of a uni freshman is in NUS (planning to apply into NUS next yr, hope will get in, pls pray for me will u :p). Man, I tell u, I've never felt so 'purposeful' in my life. Moving out of my comfort zone, being thick-skinned trying to make friends and bring up conversations, reaching home only after mid-night almost everynight, lack of sleep, but it's all worth the while. I partnered with our church's bros and sis graduated from NUS, so I'm "friend of alumnis". That's my identity.

I can't blog about all the details of what happened in that period of time. What I can share is, in the midst of involving in various orientation activities, I feel 'orientated'. I dare not say I'm certain I'll be accepted in NUS next year, but I just feel that God is leading me, preparing me and opening up my eyes to a promise he'll grant. With experiences of getting lost in the campus to knowing my way rather well in that piece of land, I just can't help but feel so grateful.

This campaign was meant to bring blessings to people. But to God, that's not enough. For He cares about His workers, too. I've gained so much through all these. What they say about giving is better than receiving is true. We are living in such a deceptive world that what revolves in our minds are just to receive, more and more, for our own very own selfish desires and pleasures. In contrary, when we choose to give up our time, money and fun, I realise I've gained something more - a purpose and meaning. I'm guilty of always echoing words like: 'my life recently? umm, as usual, boring, sien'. I can imagine how much I've missed out all these while, by living a mediocre life, a routined one, stereotypical. There's more to our lives. These words in Jeremiah 29:11 are always dear to my heart: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD; plans to Prosper you and not to harm you, plans to Give you a Hope and a Future."

I'm excited to find out what God will lead me to in my time on this earth. I want to be able to say I've run the race of my life faithfuly and obediently when I stand before God in judgment. He never promise me of an easy life, in fact life will be tougher and more challenging now that I've chosen Him, the enemies will not just stand and watch with folded arms. Wars on the spiritual and physical realms are bound to take place (picture Lord of the Rings scenes ^^).

The LORD is still waiting; waiting for His people to turn and choose Him. Waiting for those lost and yet not knowing they are lost, for those who rejected Him even if they've experienced His reality, for those who simply refuse to acknowledge His presence. He's waiting at heaven's gate for our return. Still waiting. But how long can he wait? No one knows...

So, will you come home today, before it's too late?

::My mum::

Just called my mum. Didn't get to chat long with her as there seemed to be a problem with the lines or something. Got disconnected for 7 to 8 times in barely 15 minutes. Hung up and decided to call next time. Just before that, we had our normal chats about what's happening in our daily lives. How things are for my sis and me. The usual family talk.

Just then, she told me she felt lonely. With 2 younger sisters in school, me and elder sis here in Singapore, papa working in Brunei. She's home alone most of the time. Poor mum. My mum is truly a woman of character. A typical Chinese parent, who imparts her love for her kids with actions rather than words. Us girls very much inherited her personality of quietness. Like mother like daughters.

There were days in the past whereby I had broke her heart to pieces. Days I seeked for recognitions and assurance from friends and family. My way of making her mad and getting her attention has always been the same (not a creative person), i.e. to wage my "cold war"(but it always worked). Some friends might not believe me, I might look "soft" on the outside, but I'm a rather hot-tempered person. Very easily offended by words spoken especially those by my mum b'cos she knows me best. She always hit the bull's eye when rebuking me. It hurts.

I'm grateful that God has changed me. I've been learning how to say "I love you" to my loved ones at home. It's a weird feeling. It's so much easier to utter those words to friends rather than family. Man, I'm learning how to. It's the ego bah, that's stopping me.

It just feels weird. I hope to come back with a post celebrating my victory in overcoming my pride soon in near future; when I'm able to say those words to my ma and pa face-to-face. FYI, they are coming over in mid-august! Woohoo~

::Reflections::

My God came to look for me when I was most depressed in life, with broken dreams, disappointments, unstable emotions, and hopelessness. Just then, He came. My life was never the same since. August 22nd 2004, almost 3 years since that night I prayed the sinner's prayer. Reflecting back at my life every so often, I can't help but wonder how I will end up if He didn't reach out to me. I'll most probably still be an angry person living in my own world, reluctant to meet my old friends as I'll feel so small around them when compared to. And also an anti-social figure, full of self-pity, etc.

I know that He has a good plan for me. One so good that I can't come out with by my own, because I dare not dream. It's so pathetic when one does not have a future to look forward to. That was my history. Chapters flipped. Seasons renewed. My Heavenly Father cares for me, so much so that He gave me His son to die for me so that I can have a great future, with hopes and dreams.

I realised that as the years passed, I had taken Jesus' sacrifice so lightly, even for granted. My heart hardens towards God, by failures to receive what I prayed for (from my own selfish desires). I treated God like Santa, demanding Him to deliver my requests ASAP. I've always been impatient because I hate waiting. I don't want to be left behind in life, to see that i'm not advancing. It's a tiring and torturing process. So full of self that I left no space for God to work in my heart. Then, the devil started to trick me with his all time favourite game of lying and deception. And I fell for his trap. Hence, I no longer could see God's image as clearly as I used to when I was a just a baby Christian. I want to change, I need to change. For I can't bear with this me any longer.

I want to see my relationship with God improve for the better and closer. Not out of guilt b'cos I disobeyed Him, but embracing the fact that He loves me too much to want to discipline me, to shape me, and to rebuke me when I'm wrong. He only disciplines those He loves. Pride has gotten the better of me for quite sometime. It's awful how a soul can be corroded bit by bit to the bones and even turn ignorant towards God when He speaks. It must have been painful for Him to receive such 'courtesy' from his daughter.

A tender voice is whispering my name to go back. Calling me to the foot of the Cross. This time, I will make sure I'll reach there, not looking to the left or to the right but with my eyes fixed onto the Cross. I cannot afford to stray anymore.

::My Bloody Nose::

This is funny. I was checking for "nose block" in Wikipedia just minutes ago to find out why my nose block lasted for days. Then, I searched for "nose bleed" intending to gain some general knowledge about it. The moment Wiki shows the page with detailed descriptions about nose bleeding, my right nose started to bleed!!! Drama drama!!! It's so scary, I've never had this sort of encounter in my life. What's the probability of such occurence? I wonder. Two tissue papers soaked in blood (^o^). As I was waiting for the blood to clot while reading Wiki for causes of nosebleed, it's such a comfort to find out that mine is just a minor case. Phew~Praise God. My last nose bleed happened probably about 12 or 13 years ago, primary 3 (ate too much Thai durians). Was a bit caught off-guard.

"The flow of blood normally stops when the blood clots, which may be encouraged by direct pressure and reducing the blood pressure in the head by sitting upright with the head tilted forward for about 10 minutes. Tilting the head back is not advised, as it can lead to blood flowing into the respiratory system, and possibly resulting in vomiting or death."-excerpted from Wikipedia. It's important to know this, because my dear mum used to ask us sisters to tilt our heads back whenever we had nosebleed. I learnt that her way of treatment was wrong in Primary 4. Form teacher said to a classmate with nosebleed: tilt your head forward!! Memories~

Timely comfort led by the Holy Spirit? Sure yes if you ask me. Coincidence you suggest? I'll reckon that you do some maths calculation with probability to find out how often things like this happen. How creative God can be in doing things, I'm amused.

Nosebleed stopped completely by now. Praise God!

::of full-submission::

Alas!! I get to blog abt my life here today ever since I first created this blog 2-weeks ago (cultivating this habit to blog more often, hopefully).

Just learned my lesson today. Just. So, it's brand new and so fresh that I want to tell the world!! I'll begin with why this new post took such a long time to update. I was so caught-up with my work, to a certain level which I can announce: "I'm so stressed!!" I won't go into detail with it, this'll take ages. How true it is that no matter who, be it your parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, bosses, etc tend to let u down in life, only God and God alone won't. Amen?? I'm so glad to know this, though it's not something new that I've never heard about in church, through friends, in cell groups, etc.

Being a working "young adult" (ahem ahem :P) I've learnt, and am still learning, the difference between the adult working world and school. Honestly, I hated it. But, it's a process that I have to go through in life, to grow to become a more mature and responsible person, so does everyone else, yea? It's really testing my patience, which is something I'm lacking.

I got so worried about an on-going case that the very first thing I do every morning when I step out of the flat to work is to pray and ask God to grant me victory over what I'm doing. But, somehow I felt that something's not right, but don't know what. Until today, during my lunch break I prayed again for God to make things work. Then, it dawned on me that all these while my heart has not fully trusted God. Yes I know He can work miracles, but (there's always a big but) I want to feel that I'm "in-charge" and everything is under MY CONTROL!! Utter folly!

I guess you already know what happened after that. Yes, I offered Him back His driver's seat (that's how we say it right?) whereas I, shifted to the passenger seat behind to let him drive the car!!! The result? Things got sorted out smoothly one after another. You might suggest: "maybe it's just coincidence you know," but I can tell you this: IT IS NOT. I know it's Him, I just know. Hence, me blogging about my experience now. Praise my awesome awesome GOD, people!!!

1 John 5: 14-15 goes: This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him.

I think the one condition attached to fulfilling this is provided we truly submit to God all our concerns, saying: take it ALL, for I'm not able. The result is always the same - He never fails us. Oh yes, never!

Multi-faceted

My new blog annoucement people!

I've been reading a couple of my friends' blogs recently, and had come to a conclusion that it'll be a good idea to blog about my life online, too =)

This feels a bit awkward honestly as I prefer the traditional method of recording down my thoughts and all in a journal. Nevertheless, it's always good to try things out yea? Will post about my life and some thoughts of mine in this space. I hope you'll enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy posting them!

Happy blogging y'all.